My Unexpected Hiatus.

what happens when life takes a turn.

I never intended to stop writing here, maybe it hasn’t actually been that long, but the life in between has felt like years. Life has really felt like a squeeze lately, ringing me out, but I’ve been showing up for every last drop it has to offer, like raindrops dripping off a blooming rose. Nestled here in spring, in the season of my birth, my beloved soft and sensual taurus season, I have been confronted with death. With the horrors of senseless collective death and more personal endings unfolding in front of my eyes, yet I am seeing with more clarity what it means to live. Like a lens held in front of my vision, or like veils upon veils being ripped off. I am holding in all my senses, what a gift and treasure every breath, all the rage, every hug, every hot tear streaming down my cheek truly is. And it’s troubling, how deeply unfair it can all be.

Lately I’ve been pondering why I share in this space, on instagram, splattering bits and pieces of my life for others to see. Sometimes I take a step back and wonder how I even got here, does it even matter, who cares? In the past few months, it has felt like a struggle to show up and I’ve questioned and mulled around my “why”, a lot. This all started as an experiment, a practice in showing up for my passions, in part initiated by my therapist. Can I allow my self expression? Can I share the dearest trinkets of myself with others? Somewhere along the way, it morphed into a financial situation, I could make a living sharing ideas, words, knowledge, conversation, photography with others; it felt like a dream come true. All around even when I feel exhausted by algorithms, learning new forms to “get seen” and connect, I come back to it as a desire of mine, a calling, rooted in sharing what I value with others. The process of telling my story, of sharing the lens through which I see the world, the beauty and pain that exists, in taking time to sit down and put words to my experience gives me a great something in return.

These past few months have been filled with chaos in my world. Between parenting two growing, fascinating children, caring for the two dogs, sixteen chickens, a cat, starting a spring garden, maintaining a healthy marriage and partnership, personal growth, sickness, sickness and more sickness, figuring out schedules, working and trying to fall into rhythm with country living, my head has been spinning. I have been asking myself more times than not: what is worth it? Where are my energies best served? What is life giving to me? Then my uncle got sick and that question has become louder and louder, moving from a whisper in the back of my mind to the front and center of my day to day. What is important and of value to me?

Then a teacher in my daughter’s school suddenly passed away. As the community mourned and grieved the loss of a beloved member in such a profoundly beautiful way, her life an example of what it means to give our gifts earnestly to the world, this question was posed in a community gathering in her honor. How do we continue to reach out to others, how do we show up in our tiredness and grief, to gift our gifts to the world? Sitting in a gymnasium of weeping teachers, crying students, singing songs through their tears, their ultimate expressions of love in celebration of her living; it sank into my bones, this time here we have in these human bodies of ours is short compared to our tree and plant friends. We have legs, and voices, and hands to reach out and arms to hold each other. And while we inhabit these ephemeral bodies, they are for living. In their highest forms, they are for loving, creating, speaking truth, standing upright in integrity, and sharing beauty outwards to serve others as an embodiment of our authentic expressions of self. Do not hesitate. We risk losing ourselves when we deny what it is we are living for. Every second ticking by on the clock is an opportunity to change and turn towards what is most joyful, honest, raw, vulnerable and real.

I can leave the pile of laundry to fold later, taking a walk in the woodlands hand in hand with my love and getting dirt under my fingernails in the garden, planting seeds with my children is what is most important this very spring. Flying across the world to hold the hand of a person who has loved me all my life, could not wait. Putting aside differences, addressing conflict with others and within oneself so we can each move more freely in this world, is of the utmost importance, in my mind.

All the while, the earth has been reaching out to me. In birdsong and blossoms, to remind me of its gifts and to ask me to put down the weight of what I’ve been carrying. What has kept me from truly embracing the abundance and love available in every moment. Anywhere you go, under trying circumstances, if you are paying attention, life is reaching out to hold you too. Take its hand.

Dance in the rain while you can, take the path less travelled, kiss the ones you love, tell the person you love them, hold the door for the stranger, do not hesitate to do the things that fill you with love, mend and make amends in the relationships worth it, protect your energy, and give back to this living world.

Life may never be less chaotic, but I can continue to show up in all its twists and turns.